Frequently Asked Questions

My husband is nice most of the time, but I can't seem to get over the times when he is cruel. What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you.

Occasional, unpredictable abuse keeps you off-balance and on your guard all the time. My friend Terri said "It does not matter how much a person loves you or if they even love you at all - if they are ever abusive and cruel it diminishes everything else."

One instance of abuse can ruin everything. Forgiving is good, but it doesn't change the fact that you can't trust your mate, the person you should be able to trust the most.

For me, the love ended when the abuse started. After that, it was just enmeshment, unhealthy attachment, and co-dependence. Never love. Though I tried hard to fool myself.

I wanted to fix him. But, the abusee is never a good person to work with the abuser.

Why do women stay with abusive mates?

Sometimes fear. Sometimes money. Or the kids. Or, it's how the money is perceived as making life better and/or easier for the family. It can be the fear of poverty and all the changes that would mean. Sometimes, and abuse victim is so deeply in denial that there really doesn't have to be a reason. We can't see a different possibility.

As moms, especially with older kids who will have definite reactions to a divorce, it is really hard to know when leaving is better than staying.

The abused wife is the only one with enough information to make that decision, and she is living under extremely difficult psychological conditions. It may take all her emotional and intellectual energy just to survive, leaving her no energy to choose to escape.

Time happens. Eventually, she may either learn to stand up to her man in ways that lessen the impact of the abuse, or she may be forced to leave by the psychological problems that abuse causes. Many victims stay until they die or their mate dies.

What is it like to be away from the abuse?

At first, most women have a lot of fear. For me, getting out was the scariest thing I have ever done in my whole life. Weeks of crippling horrible fear. Gradually, I learned to differentiate between real fear (the truth) and neurotic fear (a lie).

My emotions are no longer a roller coaster. Things have evened out. Within about four months it was much easier.

Now, I love my life. I absolutely love living free from his abuse. Absolutely. It is so sweet. Indescribable!

How do I forgive my abuser?

Gee. Only by grace. Not too fast. Without giving back your trust. Allow your abuser to earn your trust back. That could give you lots more time.

In fact, give God time. He is the one who can work forgiveness all the way down into your innermost parts. You can't do that yourself. And you can't make God hurry up.

Forgiveness is commanded. But is restoration of an abusive relationship? I don't think you can find a scripture for that.

We are so accustomed to thinking of forgiveness as being the same as restoration. But it isn't. Forgiveness can happen apart from repentence, apart from relationship, just between you and God. Restoration requires a much bigger commitment from the offender. It is up to the offender to make restitution and restore trust. If they don't do that, reconciliation can not happen.

Why can't I leave my abuser?

In "The Gift of Fear," Gavin de Becker relates this story: A woman is abused, but can't leave. When asked what she would do if her daughter was similarly abused, she says she would get her daughter out of that situation. De Becker says "Your daughter has you. You don't have you."

Is this what it is? You don't have you? You would protect others, and say they deserve that protection, but won't seek safety for yourself?

Gosh, when I was first really thinking about escaping, it was very hard for me to think that I deserved a better life. The abuse completely shattered my self-image. It made it hard to be self-protective, or even self-active (Is that a word?)

Normal people take for granted their self-protective instincts and actions, but as abuse victims, we can't, because ours have been destroyed, sometimes even before we met our current abuser. We have to work those self-protective behaviors back into our lives.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You are doing something about it. It takes time, and it is all hard work, whether you stay or leave.

And please try to not talk bad to yourself about this. You can talk nice to yourself. You can do it, and talking nice to yourself will help you see yourself as deserving your protection. Self-esteem is so tied up in how we talk to ourselves.

Isn't it bad for me to leave my husband/abuser? Shouldn't I wait for him to leave?

Like he's going to leave??? No, he's got too good a deal to ever leave for good. The only thing that will drive an abuser out of your life is if you consistently call them on their bad behavior.

No, it isn't bad to leave. But the question reminds me of our self-esteem issues. As abuse victims, we constantly question the validity of actions that are normal self-care actions. Part of this is from old wounds, and part is from the abuse.

Now, if you stay, who benefits? You get worse, and your abuser isn't held accountable, so he gets worse. It is okay to let yourself make loving, nurturing decisions on your own behalf. It is okay to give yourself the same break you would give anyone else.

How can I get strong enough to leave my verbally abusive mate?

Verbal abuse makes us weak for awhile, but then we get to a point where every attack makes us stronger, more determined to stop the abuse, either by leaving or by standing up to it.

You are probably putting all your effort and intellect and emotion to work just to survive.

You are strong!

Once you decide to make an escape, you can put all that creativity toward that goal, instead of trying to be your husband's savior.

Perhaps you are right at the crossroads. So far, the abuse has weakened you, but very soon, it is going to galvanize your determination to stop it. Some survivors found the strength to leave when they let themselves become angry instead of becoming scared. I don't mean you should fight your abuser. I mean, choose your emotional response, because fear paralyzes, but anger energizes.

You are brave and strong, you just don't know it yet. You have endured so much to stay married, and to live up to the truth as you see it. But you are going to be free. Start planning ahead for it now.

Outside forces, like good counseling, can not make you stronger, but they can help you find the strength that is available to you.

What can I do to prepare for leaving my abuser?

I can tell you what worked for me. I went to a new counselor, and told her I wanted support to leave my husband. I didn't want to discuss any "solutions" for the marriage. Just support to leave.

She helped me to believe that it was okay to want a life free of abuse. My self-esteem was so low, I could not see that a different life was attainable for me.

• I made lists
• People who would support my decision
• My bills
• My income
• Things I could do to make money
• Types of abuse he inflicted on me and the kids to remind myself why I was leaving, because abuse victims tend to suppress the abuse between incidents.
• Read books
• Went to a divorce recovery class
• Joined an online support mailing list. (I quote my friend Phyllis: "The encouragement keeps me going, the distress reminds me why I don't want to go back.")

Other people have

• Enrolled in a Dale Carnegie Course
• Looked for a new place to live
• Contacted an attorney
• Worked on self-esteem issues with a counselor
• Had a party

I even went to my doctor, and got a prescription for a sleep aid, because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep.

One of the most important things to do is evaluate your risk. The time when a woman leaves her abuser is often the most dangerous time of her life. Some abusers feel justified in hurting or even killing their spouse if she tries to leave.

This is where family violence agencies can help you. They can help you evaluate the level of risk, make a safety plan, and plan your escape. If necessary, you can go to a safe house, or even be relocated to a different part of the country.

How will separation or divorce help?

In a Christian book on healing for abusive marriages, I read that in order to heal, the victim must "move out of pain" and the abuser must "move into pain." Most often this happens through separation or divorce.

When we are abused, we get stuck in ways of thinking that make us believe we are helpless. Sometimes, separation is the only way for us to start thinking straight again.

One author recommends a minimum two year total separation before abusive couples even consider moving toward reconciliation.

How does divorce affect the children?

Of course, divorce impacts children. But witnessing any type of abuse is also bad for them. Witnessing abuse makes a child more likely to grow up to be either an abuser or a victim.

It is hard to know at what point the balance tips. When is it worse to stay than to leave? Most abuse victims stay too long. If you are concerned about the impact of abuse on your kids, maybe it is time to build a safe life for them.

Children are often affected more by their father's abuse of their mother than is evident. When their parents separate, they often feel relieved. They may feel guilty for feeling relieved. They may have been suppressing their fear and anger for a long time. These difficult emotions may arise at the time of separation, but the child doesn't know what is causing them.

My kids didn't start sharing their fears until 8 months after we were separated. Before that, I didn't know that when my husband was yelling, they would wake up scared. They never told me his yelling scared them until they to felt safe.

I guess the bottom line is, I really believe that divorce improves the lives of kids who witness abuse in their parents' marriage.

I'm separated from my abuser. How do I handle visits with the kids?

With my ex-spouse, I decided that the one thing that would really make him want the kids would be if I refused to let him see them. So, using reverse psychology, I have made the kids available whenever he wants them, even if it is inconvenient for me. I have even pushed him to spend more time with them.

Abusers are hard to deal with. You have to get inside their heads a little bit, to figure out which action will provoke the response you want. Does your abuser pretty much want to do the opposite of what you ask for?

So, if you asked him to see his children regularly, have them for the whole weekend every other week, what would he do?

And even if he does spend more time with the kids, as long as it isn't abusive time, it is a good thing. He will find out how much work it is to take care of kids, the kids will enjoy the contact with a man who has been in their lives, and you will get a break. If he is abusive to the kids when they are with him, it's time to protect them from him.

I'm separated from my husband/abuser, and I'm way too sensitive about every little thing people say. Is this normal?

Afraid so. It seems to be a pretty normal pattern to become very sensitive to the slightest verbal or emotional abuse when first recovering. You will mellow out. You will learn how to deal with abuse appropriately. Most of the time, that means confronting it.

I'm separated from my spouse, but he still manages to be abusive toward me. How can I make him stop?

You can't. But you can stop rewarding him, by detaching. Break contact, and never ever make any response. Any response will win us weeks or months of continued conflict. A restraining order can even sometimes be a mistake with people like this, because it makes them feel justified in hurting us. As long as the abuser can get a reaction from us, they will keep doing whatever gets a reaction. We have to stop reacting to get them to stop bugging us.

This is complicated by the fact that some of us seem to suffer from a sort of addiction to our abuser.

For me, detaching has meant making some strict rules about my contact with my spouse, then keeping them. I made these rules up as I went along, all with the intention of keeping myself from going back to the abuse, and not giving cues that there was hope that I would come back.

Some of my rules:

1. Never ask him for help. This was a tough one when my car broke down, and I knew he would help me. But I knew that would form an attachment with him. "Would I ask a stranger or acquaintance with his profile to help me with my car?" No, he is the kind of person I would stay far away from.
2. Never deny him access to the kids. That would just start a struggle, and he likes to struggle with me.
3. Never call him unless it is absolutely essential.
4. Never go where I know he will be.
5. If I see him, turn and walk the opposite direction.
6. Don't ask for anything, don't expect anything, don't get a no-contact order. Just let it slip away.

This all sounds kind of heartless and cold, doesn't it? But I have gone back to this same abusive man 3 times before, and the only time he is nice to me is when I am not with him.

My pastor has prayed with my husband, and they both say he is better and will never abuse me again. But I'm scared. Can I trust my husband now?

Pastors and churches often promise the miracle change, "Say this prayer and you will be different." But it hardly ever happens like that. Your spouse will probably continue to be abusive for a long time as he works on these issues, if he is able to keep working on them. It would help if he spent many hours with a batterer's counselor who has successful experience working with his kind of problem. Is your pastor a qualified batterer's counselor?

In addition, you will have to work through your own feelings of victimization, abandonment, fear, repulsion, etc. Once a man has abused his wife, she may never be able to respond to him with trust again. It may take years of good behavior on his part before you will be able to trust and love again in a healthy way.

Even so, I would totally understand if you decided to give him another chance. I understand the temptation to believe for a miracle, to discount what he has done to you, although it doesn't help either one of you. It is your choice, and your life. You and your children are the ones who will live with the results, good or bad.

My pastor says I should stay with my husband. I don't know what to think? Does the Bible say I have to take abuse from my husband?

Unfortunately, that is the burden some pastors will place on you, but will they help you bear it? They say stay. No matter what. They say:
Your kids will be irreparably damaged if you leave.
We will stand by you and help you stay.
Your love will change him.
We've seen it happen lots of times.

Would they say "stay" to anybody else who could get out of abuse? Should a rape victim stay, and try to change the rapist? Should a child stay with a sexually abusive parent, and try to change them? No. There is no value in staying in an abusive relationship, and much value in getting out.

Has your church family been effective in confronting the abusive behavior? Would they support a long-term separation so you can heal? Is anyone on staff qualified and experienced in dealing with abusers?

Study the Bible for yourself.

Being in an abusive relationship is not Biblical marriage. It is more like Biblical slavery. Even the apostle Paul said we should get out of slavery if possible.

My husband is in counseling. How can I tell if he has really changed?

Abusers rarely change, but sometimes they do. Statistics show that about 1 in 7 abusers change when pursuing a vigorous course of counseling.

Unfortunately, even if your husband is going to truly change, there will be many years of pain for both of you as he works to stop abusing you. Any decision to stay married to him should take into account the fact that you will still be married to an abuser for a long time to come, even if he is changing.

It would be best to see a couple YEARS of good behavior before you even consider letting an abuser back in your life.

But, one of the problems we seem to share as victims is that we are always willing to believe in miracles, have hope for our spouses, and try, try again.

I feel like it is my fault that my husband mistreats me. Is it?

It is normal to feel like it is your fault, most abuse victims feel that way. But it isn't the truth. Know the truth, because the truth will set you free.

Abuse is 100% the abuser's fault and choice, and 0% the victim's fault and choice. Your spouse doesn't go to work and abuse his boss, does he? He can control himself when he has to. He chooses not to control himself with you. Why does he abuse you? Maybe because he can. Maybe because it makes him feel good. Maybe because his abusive tactics make you do what he wants.

My husband says he's just joking, or that I take things to seriously, or (fill in excuse here). Is he right?

Hey!

God's princess!

Yes, you.

It doesn't really matter
what he says
or what he does
or what he thinks
or what you think he thinks.

What matters is what he does, and what you know. Our innards have to be our guide when it comes to dealing with abusers. As Patricia Evans says... if it feels like you are being abused, you are being abused.
If it feels like ____ it probably is _____.

Trust your feelings.
And take care of yourself.
It's your job to take care of yourself.

My husband says I'm the abusive one. But I'm not! Why does he say that?

An abuser often does not see himself as separate from his victim, so if the victim puts up an appropriate boundary, it really hurts him. But it is not abusive to have boundaries. An abuser will also tend to project his behavior onto you, so he will think that you said something abusive when it was he who said it.

Sometimes I scream back at my husband. Am I an abuser too?

Maybe. Probably not, though. There is a difference between acting abusively and reacting abusively. Which are you doing? Do you like the way you are acting? Does it make you feel good? Abuse usually makes the abuser feel good. Do you feel good or guilty?

My friends say it takes two to ruin a marriage. I'm trying so hard. What am I doing wrong?

Your friends are mistaken. It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to ruin it. When a spouse is abusive, and does not actively choose to seek healing and help, he is ruining your marriage in spite of all your efforts. You cannot make a good marriage by yourself. Although you can pretend to for quite a while.

What are some tactics abusers use to alienate their victims from other people?

• Gossiping
• Embarrassing
• Setting up to look foolish
• Spreading rumors about
• Ethnic slurs
• Setting up to take the blame
• Publicly humiliating
• Excluding from group
• Social rejection
• Maliciously excluding
• Manipulating social order to achieve rejection
• Malicious rumor mongering
• Threatening with total isolation

Do I have any rights as a victim?

I'm not sure where this list came from. As Christian wives, we are often told to "give up our rights." This list is not those rights. This list details the basic rights that we all want for all people. Start wanting them for yourself today.

A Declaration of Rights

I am not the cause of my abuser's violent behaviour.

I have the right to feel safe.

I have the right to not be hit.

I have the right to not be yelled at, called names, threatened, or humiliated.

I do not like or want to be abused.

I do not have to take it.

I have the right to say 'no'.

I have the right to be treated with respect.

I am an important human being.

I am a worthwhile person.

I have the right to raise my children in safety.

I do have choices over my own life.

I can use my choices to take good care of myself.

I can decide what is best for me.

I have the right to be believed and valued.

I can make changes in my life.

I have the right to live in peace.

I am not alone.

I can ask others for help.

I have the right to end the violence.

I have the right to end the pain.