A Letter from Helen: Working with Clergy

This exchange is from an abuse support list on yahoo. Shared with permission.

From Michelle to the support group:

I don't know when y'all will get this but as of this moment I am feeling so scared and now nauseated. Should I have left things alone? My pastor must think I am crazy but I sent him an email asking him if I should warn my husband that he is going to confront him or should I just let him. I said that I am extremely nervous about that. He might not understand why I am so nervous. That is so pathetic of me and it is crazy.

I am downright scared of how he is going to react. What the heck have I done? The worst that can happen is my husband freaks out, doesn't ever go back to church again, screams at me, and holds it against me for the rest of my life, or turns everything around on me making my pastor think I am a psycopath. Things could be worse I guess.

And here is Helen's reply:

Oh, Michelle. My heart aches for you. I remember the feeling, the nausea, the worry and fear... and the fear that I was overreacting, "making a big deal out of nothing," in his words. And the fear that he would turn it all around on me, make my bishop think I was a nutcase, etc. Well, he did, and it hurt like crazy. I was stunned by the facility of his lies, and his ability to attack me with a witness, and convince that witness that he was good and wholesome and in the right, while I was lying or misrepresenting everything.

He never was physically violent, so I felt like a jerk to be afraid of him, but I lived in constant fear. I read only last year, I think in Lundy Bancroft's book, that "fear of how he makes you feel" is a legitimate one. It's very real; pay attention to it. It's like physical pain, an indicator that injury is occuring and change must occur. If you continue to live in fear, it will destroy you.

I'm afraid your pastor is right, talking to your husband will do no good. If you feel you trust this man, talking to him for yourself may do you good, but trust your gut in a major way.

He's almost undoubtedly coming from the standard position that both halves of a couple are basically individuals of good will, capable of listening to the Spirit and willing to give and receive love, and EQUALLY responsible for all problems and solutions. He simply won't understand that while you fit that profile, your abuser most definitely does not.

The depth of the malice, the disconnection from reality, the twisted mental and emotional processes involved, will probably all be incomprehensible to him. It wasn't until I had a bishop who was also a deputy sheriff that I found someone who could understand and label the problem.

If you contemplate counseling with anyone, make yourself a list of questions about abuse, gleaned from your reading of Evans and Bancroft, perhaps, or conversations on this list, and "interview" the prospective counselor. If you don't feel comfortable with the answers, either discontinue the counseling relationship, or develop a sounding board relationship with someone (we're here, if you like) rather than absorbing whatever you're told. Even counselors who think they're pretty up on emotional and verbal abuse can have some pretty destructive ideas about victims and the relationship.

I found a good counselor who helped me a lot, but he never fully understood the depth of the malice nor the willingness and ability to twist every tiny thing that my ex brought to the sessions. It took over a year for him to even begin to see through the tissue veneer of my ex's projected persona and understand that I wasn't the one distorting things.

I had similar experiences with ALL the bishops I worked with over a 12 year period (five, I think). The only reason I didn't have to go through that much with the deputy was that he had worked with my ex at church for an extended period before becoming our bishop, and had come from a background with mental illness in the family, and had already decided something was very wrong.

I did the same kind of slightly goofy-seeming waffling, and messages with conflicting instructions, and worrying whether I was doing the right thing. This all sounds so familiar. I can tell you this: on the other side of it, there's the peace promised in the New Testament, and it's more wonderful than you can see now. It truly is one of the great gifts, peace of heart and mind. You will find it, in time.

Yes, he may be able to make your pastor think you are a "psychopath." For a while. But he can't fool God, and God will in time make it very clear which of you is right with Him and which is not. The intervening time can be hell, I won't try to kid you, but God is watching over you, He will uphold you, and in time you will feel the comfort and strength He has to give.

One thing you have to be prepared for is that ANY move you make (or your husband thinks you make, or he thinks you might make) is likely to bring a strong negative reaction from your husband.

Do you remember the movie "War Games"? My credo during the process of getting free was the computer's final conclusion: "The only winning move is not to play." You have no obligation to play "fair" at this point. You have no obligation to warn, comfort, or assist.

You are dealing with an individual who has one objective: your total destruction as a separate person.

The only winning move is not to play. Do what you have to to be safe, including safe from mental and emotional manipulation, and work on getting out.

I was told by an ecclesiastical leader in my church, someone whose spiritual foundations I trust intensely, that I had no remaining obligation to play fair with this person. I had given him every chance, which would stand as a witness against him with God. Now I had to give myself a chance.

He said if I had to be less than fully open in my dealings with my husband to be safe, then that's what I should do. God would judge me based on my intent, which was to get myself -- His daughter -- and my precious children, out of a situation that was destroying us. If you have to conceal things from your spouse as you prepare to get out, then you should do it with a clear conscience. If you need to behave somewhat manipulatively, I think that's okay in this case. If you have to do things that make you crawl inside, like agreeing with him when you know he's wrong, in order to stay safe, that's okay too.

If your pastor thinks that's wrong, then he has a problem, not you. It's hard, but you may have to disengage from the opinions of others, especially those who may judge you without a full understanding of your situation.

Hold on through the fear. The nausea will pass. In time, the fear will fade and be replaced with confidence. But you have to get clear of the situation for your mind to clear. Get some advice from a domestic violence center, and prepare to get out, while there's still some "you" to save.

I finally came to the conclusion that the worst thing I could do was let myself be destroyed.

If I made a mistake in the process, made a wrong decision, gave up on someone when I shouldn't, then God in the end would judge me by my intent, which was to protect myself and my children, not to cause harm to my abuser.

All will be made right in the end, and all who misjudge you now will know the outcome, for what that's worth.

Take care, Michelle. You ARE a daughter of God, and deserve to be treated as such. You can do this, and it will be okay for you to do it. Move at your own pace, baby steps if that's all you can do, but you'll get there eventually.

Love and hugs,


Helen