Mari's Story

My story starts a little more than 6 years back, when I started dating my husband. I met José December 1993, but we didn't start dating until September of 1995. He had a good reputation at church, where I met him. I thought I had found a good guy. He was real nice to my sons, and they enjoyed spending time with him.

José started talking about marriage early in 1996. We set the date in June for our wedding.

The brothers and sisters from church were so willing to help us with our wedding at church. In fact the only thing we paid for was the material for my wedding dress. The dress maker was also a sister from church and didn't want to charge us for making the dress.

We married and everything seemed fine at first, but soon something would take me by surprise!

Now I can give it a name.

Abuse.

At first I wasn't sure if that's what I was supposed to call it. It was minor at first, if you can really say abuse is minor.

I have heard that men show signs of being abusive prior to marriage but I had only seen the wonderful man he had presented himself to be.

The name calling was awful and I hated to be picked on until I would cry. I'm not a person to cry really but he knew which buttons to push to make me get angry enough to make me cry. Then when we would argue it would turn physical. All this after only being married for 2 weeks.

He would knock me down to the floor and sit on me. He restrained my arms with his knees and wouldn't allow me to get up. He would push me around, twist my arms and so forth.

This coming from a supposed 'Christian' and a graduated bible student.

He would always tell me things like, he should have not married me because he loved someone else. I never made him marry me, in fact I found out that at one point my step-cousin told him I was a citizen here and that my father had supposedly left me a house. To this day, I believe he only married me for those reasons; to get a house and immigration papers and for sex.

I complained many times to the co-pastor of the church where we go. You see my husband entered into the ministry in 1997. There were always excuses for my husband's reactions, and there never seemed to be correction.

When the co-pastor talked about this situation, it was all directed at me, not him, because José was never there. I was told that I had to be patient and tolerant, never to tell anyone about the abuse for it would mess up reputations, (his reputation) since he was the minister.

Everyone thought he was the nice person that he presented himself to be. When he would preach at church, he made comments like; "My wife expected to marry a glorified man!" Everyone in the congregation would laugh. Sometimes I wanted to get up in front of the whole congregation and yell how he truly was. But all I could feel was my ears get hot from embarrassment!

Meanwhile the abuse got worse, it escalated very much. From pushes and pulling of hair to spitting and biting and restraining me, threatening me and then the hitting.

He was ordained as a minister in 1999 and when we got home he was upset at me. He didn't care that I had my daughter in my arms, she wasn't even a year old yet; he kicked me more than 10 times on my left leg with his work boots on.

Many times he had also tried to force me to have sex with him but never was able to. I faced the consequences still. He was abusive towards us and I say "us" because he abused all of us emotionally. I couldn't stand it when he started telling my kids things, so I would defend them. That is what caused a lot of the physical violence between us.

Once he even resorted to hitting me in the pickup while he drove. My sons were in between us and he reached over my sons to hit me and he told my oldest "Tell her to stop, David and I won't hit her anymore, tell her to behave!"

He hit me most of the time in front of my sons and my daughter. They were so frightened. He wouldn't let us leave the house without his permission. I couldn't go down to the dollar store that is a block away if he didn't allow it. My kids couldn't play outside. As soon as he would see that they were outside, he would make them go into the house.

Oh yes, he was strict with them about learning the Bible. I am a Christian, and I didn't see how he could hit me in front of them and then also have them learn the Bible.

He never let my sons live like children, he always had expectations that were too high for them. He didn't want to be responsible for them nor love them, but he wanted to punish them.

Again I tried calling the co-pastor many times and I got the same reply. The last time I called the co-pastor was to let him know I had already been through enough. That after that beating I would never again let him get by without calling the police. That time he had kneed me in the stomach.

I could no longer see fear in the faces of my sons, all I could see was anger and hate. My oldest, David always attempted to take my daughter, Sarai, out the room and my other son, Alex, always tried to defend me. He didn't actually do it but you could tell that is what he tried.

Again the co-pastor told me that calling the police would be the wrong thing but I told him I would not stand for it anymore. My husband always dared me to call the police but he would never let me when I grabbed the phone.

The next time he hit me was 3 months later. I tried calling the police but wasn't able to get away from him.

I told my son to call 9-1-1 and José tried to intimidate him into not calling but my son still did.

The police came, and they wanted to arrest me also.

My husband had scratches from where I tried to get away from him, so they thought I attacked him. The police asked my husband to leave the house and I went and filed for a restraining order.

The pastor and co-pastor had a meeting with both my husband and me.

They pointed out that I was to blame. I provoked him.

They also told me that José was a godly man, that he was a man after God's own heart.

I was condemned all the way to hell for choosing to protect myself and my children by calling the police. They pressured me until I removed the petition for the restraining order. My husband was back home after 1 month, with empty promises.

Up to this day he still doesn't pay a thing here nor has he changed.I vowed I would never again call these "men of God."

I stopped loving this man way back at the beginning of our marriage. Any love I felt disappeared with the abuse.

At the beginning of the year he said he was leaving the house because he couldn't live with my bastard sons anymore. This was after an incident that occurred between José and my oldest son.

José became angry because the dog had dug out some plants. He threw dirt at the dog and some fell on my son. My son got angry and yelled at him and José spanked him. Then José came in yelling at me and said he'd better not hit him again or he would knock him down and or possibly kill him no matter if he went to jail.

At that point I told José I didn't want him here and he said he was going to start looking for a house. That was 5 months ago and he's still here. Like I said, he doesn't pay for anything here, his money is his. He has never given me any support to work outside the home, neither does he want any responsibilities for my sons. He doesn't respect my Mom nor my stepfather and he lives here for free.

José made a big mistake on March 19, 2002, when he tried to force me to have sex. I fought him off, there was no sex, but I did get hurt. He left me a big bruise on my breast which led me to my son's school nurse.

The school nurse referred me to a women's center and the counselor there is wonderful. She took pics of the bruises and encouraged me more to get him out of the house.

That is where I am still having a problem, I tried getting a temporary restraining order, but I went to file too late. I have written Immigration a letter requesting the withdrawal of his papers since I was the one who had petitioned for him.

Here I am at the age of 28 and this is my story. I know it's long but I really only told a small part. My husband still doesn't accept responsibility for what he has done and I know he never will. This is one thing that shows me he hasn't changed.

I don't plan to stick around and wait until he does. I need to get on with my life. My sons and daughter have seen enough of this.

David (14) is very quiet and doesn't say much although he can challenge me when I tell him to do something or not to.

Alex (11) has a lot of anger, deep anger and acts upon it easily. I have tried taking him to a counselor but he refuses to go and I don't want to take him by force either because then he won't talk.

Sarai (3) loves her father and I know she is the one that will feel it the hardest when he's out of our lives, but it's worse for her to see all that goes on here.

They say it's best to keep a family intact and I believe that, but not when there's abuse.

One day I want to go back to school and then become a counselor for abused women and their children. I want to be an advocate against abuse everywhere and anywhere!

But first I have to fix this mess I am in.

How can I still believe in God and still be a Christian after all this? I don't even know that answer myself but I surely don't blame God for anything. Bad choices, that's what I made, if I would have been aware of the signs maybe I wouldn't have gone through this. I'm not saying that abuse is a good thing, but I have learned a lot through it and I have also learned to be a more compassionate person.

I love my children and I am learning to love myself and I only want the best for us!

I suffer abuse at the hands of a minister, one who holds in those same hands the Holy Book of God.

Sounds crazy? I would say yes. Sounds unbelievable? At first it did to me also. I have learned the games abusers use, the crazymaking, the lies, the empty promises, manipulation, the guilt trip, control, power and so forth, the financial abuse, imprisonment, isolation from anyone who feels like a threat to the abuser (family and friends) and so forth.

Leave him! Oh sure. It's easier said than done, after all the conditioning I have been put through, not only from my husband but from the church leaders as well.

I am working towards my way to freedom though, and now I refuse to stay quiet about abuse.

I refuse to stay quiet about abuse.

We can't keep quiet anymore,

Mari