A Bit of My Story

Hi, my name is Heidi, and I am crazy-in-love-with-Jesus. I am also an abuse survivor.

Physical and verbal abuse and bullying during my childhood. And then perpetual verbal and emotional abuse during my marriage, with an occasional physical incident. Here's a list of his abusive behaviors. I divorced my husband of 22 years in July, 2001. Escape from abuse is a miracle!

The resources and stories I share on this web site have helped me understand that the abuse was not my fault. It was his choice to abuse. He didn't go to work or to church and verbally abuse anyone else. He chose to abuse me.

I chose whether to stay and take it or not. For many years, I believed the counsel of my pastors and some friends at church. I stayed to honor Jesus. I stayed hoping for a miracle. I stayed because I was afraid my church would reject me if I didn't stay.

I stayed because God hates divorce. Nobody ever read me the rest of that scripture. "I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel, and I hate a man's covering his wife with violence as well as with a garment, says the LORD Almighty." Malachi 2:16

How about that? God hates violence. He hates domestic violence specifically, hates it enough to mention it in very strong terms here.

For me, the physical incidents were easy to deal with compared to the verbal and emotional abuse. Physical wounds heal quickly. But after so many years of verbal abuse, I was shattered inside. I had no sense of myself, or of worth. Others deserved good things, but I only saw more abuse and more sadness and more hopelessness stretching out into the future before me.

Then God.

Then God spoke to me. Not in words. In pictures, in images in my mind about how much He loved me, and how He wanted me to enjoy my life. And, this scared me, that He wanted me to stand up against the abuse. That it was okay to divorce, and I would not suffer eternal damage from it, and neither would my kids.

So I asked my abusive husband to move out. And my life began again.

I've gotten wonderful counseling, help and support from the local domestic violence agency and from a mailing list I joined. I've read dozens of books and websites.

I want to help others find their way out of abuse, and into the strong arms of our loving God. I'm looking for people like me, who are willing to talk about what we've been through and about how to change the effects left from the abuse, from the context of God's gigantic love for us.

I absolutely LOVE my new life, even though I still have some problems. It is so good to not be beaten down with words every time I walk in the front door.

I want to say to all of us victors over abuse and potential victors:

Hey You!

It's not your fault.

You don't deserve to be treated this way.

You are a valuable person.

Life is good.

It does not take two to end a marriage. It takes two to make a marriage, but it only takes one to ruin it.

Most victims of abuse do way more than their share of trying to make the marriage work, trying all kinds of things, but if the other person is sick and abusive, it just does not work. It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

We are all going to be much better off as time goes by.

Time happens.

Healing happens, if we cooperate with it.

Church Matters

After I told my ex-husband he had to leave, he started going to my church, made a commitment to God, etc. I had seen this play before. The night he moved out he got baptized for the third time. He moved into an associate pastor's guest house.

So, of course, I was under much pressure from my pastors to reconcile. Some open, some that I just assumed was there. What my well-meaning pastors didn't understand is that his "good-boy" behavior is almost always simply another face of the abuse. It is an attempt to control the relationship, rarely a real conversion.

As a "divorced Christian" I felt less welcome than I was as a "suffering wife." I think I somehow embarassed my pastors. They decided to relieve me from my position as substitute secretary in order that I might have "time to heal." I was excluded from my other areas of ministry as well. This feels like rejection to me.

No resources for healing were offered, except that I was asked to go into marriage counseling with my abuser for our 6th time, for the purpose of reconciliation. They seemed unaware of the fact that marriage counseling doesn't work for abusers.

As is often the case, "save the marriage at all costs" is the slogan I kept hearing. My safety, my children's safety, and our sanity would be the cost.

Being judged was just one of the consequences of making the mistake of marrying an abuser. It hurt like heck! I hated it.

But, because I am committed to living a positive life, I had to look at what good I could get from this experience of being judged.

Because I was judged, I had to learn to rely on myself and my God for acceptance and vindication. I have been a people-pleaser and codependent, in fact, very dependent on the opinions of others. But now, I am learning to believe my own evaluation of myself, my choices, and my position with God.

Leaving my abuser was the right thing to do. It was probably the best thing I have done in years. If people judge me for that, they don't belong in my life, either.

I was very involved in church. I had seen myself as a "strong spiritual widow." I became more of a "limbo lady." I was sad about the change because of the loss, but I loved my new life.

Conflict.

I wanted to give up and find another church, but I didn't want my church to stay as it is. I wanted to do all I could to make it better for us abused women. That has been a goal for me for a very long time.

I felt a deep sense of loyalty to my church. But I felt like my church was not loyal to me. I guess it is fairly normal for abused women to feel that they are not believed or validated by their pastors.

Even though I was always honest about how bad our relationship was, and asked for help for 14 years, the pastoral staff was quite shocked that I would consider divorce. To them, any divorce would be a huge sin. Now I understand that it isn't the divorce that is the sin. The actions that lead to divorce are sins.

So, I prayed, and God put my new pastor and his wife two doors down from me. Isn't He hilarious? I've moved from a big mega-church with all the bells and whistles to a little ragamuffin church with 23 regular adult attenders. And I am happy there. I am valued. In fact, I was recently asked to serve on the steering committee, which is our version of a church board.

A New Way of Living

I've lost some friends, but am making new ones.

Lately, I have moments of spontaneous happiness. Happy for no reason. When I was still with my abuser, I had to talk myself into being happy. It was hard work! I'd tell myself, "It's okay, Heidi, you aren't really hurt. It's okay, things will get better. It's all in how you look at it. Think positively. Forgive and forget. You'll be okay. Think of all your blessings. It could be worse..." and on and on. Now, I just feel happy without talking myself into it.

Spontaneous happiness.

I love my new life.

Thanks for listening to my story.

Please Take Care of Yourself