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Leaving By Degrees
(Profile of an Abusive Relationship)

Realizing that we are in an abusive relationship is sometimes a slow but methodical
process. Leaving an abusive relationship, in many instances, is also a slow methodical
process.
In the process of profiling the process, I noted that most of us learn about the different
forms of abuse and the leave the abuser by taking small steps.

I call it ‘Leaving by Degrees'.

We first notice that something is not quite right in our relationship but it's not anything we
can really pinpoint. It's just a feeling. The relationship is not fulfilling. It is empty. Our needs
are not being met.

If we mention our concern or feeling to our partner, we're likely to hear something like,
"Oh, it's just you", "you expect too much", etc.

The relationship decays until we get to the point that the relationship is actually damaging
us and something inside us gives us a wake up call and we begin to explore just what the
heck is and has been going on.

We learn about the different forms of abuse. Emotional, Verbal and Physical.

We think to ourselves, yes, THIS is what is going on. We think now that we have been able
to put a label on the problem, we can fix it. Women are ‘fixers' by nature so we set about
figuring out how to ‘fix' things.

We try to be better partners in the relationship, better parents, better homemakers,
better at our jobs, get raises, take on more and more responsibility and continue
to attempt to improve ourselves, our homes, families, circumstances and our
surroundings in a vain attempt to please our partners.

Fact is, you were already doing just fine. It doesn't matter how well you do at anything.
An abuser won't notice or acknowledge your efforts no matter how good they are.
Your partner is the one with the problem, not you!

Don't bother to try to make them happy, it isn't possible. It's their minds that are messed
up and no matter how good at anything and everything you are, you cannot fix an
abusers brain or thought patterns.

But, most of us give our most valiant effort, the abuse continues and our self esteem hits
rock bottom.

If we can manage to pick ourselves up enough at this point, we realize that we cannot go
on like this. The relationship is very literally harmful to us both mentally and physically.
It's an unhealthy relationship particularly for children who live in the home.

Then we go back to learning but this time we start learning about how to get out. At this
point, some women are able to simply walk away. For others, it is not so simple. There
are matters of children, property, income, etc that must be dealt with.

Other women, with those concerns, do leave at this point only to find themselves back
with their abuser because there are things that must be dealt with before they can
become able to leave successfully and completely.

Some women leave many times before they are finally able to get everything into place
that they need in place for them to be successful.

Depending on the situation, it can be extremely difficult. They are literally beginning a
new life under the most difficult conditions.

The abusers themselves make the process as difficult as they can. Even though they
don't know how to love their victim appropriately, they do need their victim for their own
very selfish reasons and throw every stumbling block imaginable in the path of the victim
in their attempt to continue to control. Abusers become very unstable during this period-
their actions however, are very predictable.

Next, The Abusers Tactics


By: Sky W Cockrum, The Dove Project, copyright © 2004, All Rights Reserved
http://www.doveproject.org

Don't condemn the woman who goes back.
Celebrate the woman who manages to escape.

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copyright © 2002-2004, Dale Emshoff and Sky W Cockrum
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