Healing from Domestic Violence

Long after the bruises have healed, the wounds from the emotional abuse fester and cause pain and anguish.

Emotional abuse robs you of your soul. You lose who you were a little piece at a time. These are stages that most abuse victims go through while healing from an abusive relationship or in the case of children, having lived in a home where abuse occurred.

While going through these stages, remember to treat yourself gently and well. You've been through an ordeal and your life has meaning and value. You have things yet to accomplish.

The Grief Stage
The first stage that we go through oddly enough is grief. Grieving for the relationship that could have been and never was. It's the grieving of the loss of the dream. Growing old together.

It's a tough stage to get through. You're most prone at this stage to go back to the abuser. The typical abuser is most likely at this stage to try to 'hoover' you back. They will say things like, "I'll do anything you want" and then they will list things that you've always wanted and it's always very touching because then you know- that they even remembered these things at all because when you were with the abuser, they never remembered anything important to you.

This is a really good time to put yourself into your work, your hobbies, your church or religious affialation, community service or outreach, volunteer groups, the PTA- whatever 'works' to keep yourself distracted and busy.

YOU have healing to do that only time will heal and you need to do it as an individual. The last thing you need is to get back into the relationship.

It generally takes anywhere from six months to a year to get through the grieving stage.

There is also temptation to move on to another relationship right away. (Your abuser most certainly will- they cannot be alone) Again, YOU have healing to do and getting into another relationship before you've healed really isn't fair to anyone.

The Anger Stage
The next stage is the anger stage. This is the stage where you look at all the times you were treated badly and each memory makes you angry rather than sad or wistful. We all learn that anger is not healthy but in this instance, it is a good thing. You can use that anger to further distance or 'unmesh' yourself from your abuser emotionally. It is perfectly natural to be angry about being mistreated and it's perfectly ok to be angry at someone who abused you.

The anger stage goes on for so long that you will wonder if it will ever end. When you get to this point, it's almost over. It might last six months and it might go on for a couple of years. It all depends on what you've been through and for how long you endured it. Also, it depends on whether your abuser is still abusing you or trying to abuse you through friends, family, children or the courts.

This is the stage where you will begin recreating healthy boundaries that will help keep you from becoming entangled with another abuser.

The 'Rediscovering You' Stage
During this stage, you begin to remember who you were before the abuse began. You begin to get in tough with your old hopes and dreams. You might pick back up an interest that you had years ago. Sewing, painting, gardening, academia, career aspirations. Go with it!
The rediscovering you stage doesn't really end, it just blossoms into a the:

Enjoying YOUR Life Stage!
You've grieved the past, gotten the anger out of your system, rediscovered who you are, revived some old interests and hobbies, you're active in your community and social circle, you've learned how to treat yourself well and at this point you're healthy enough emotionally to contemplate that next relationship but you might be enjoying your life so much that you don't even want to be in a relatioship! Life is good just the way it is without the complications that a relationship brings with it.

Enjoy! It's your life and you've earned every bit of it!

If the legal or judicial system failed to protect you or a family member
from abuse Please Contact:
Amnesty International & The United Nations

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224