Good Enough to Volunteer

I've been to a lot of 'educational opportunities', seminars, especially in college, when I was majoring (actually flip flopping) between Social Work and Psychology. Although those fields interested me, they were my major primarily to avoid things like Advanced Algebra, Calculus, Trigonometry, and such which I have no aptitude at all for. One thing that many of those seminars had in common, was there always seemed to be a featured speaker who had been hooked on heroin (alcoholic, etc), gone clean, changed their lives and now they are the Director of something or other, making a comfortable living and 'Look at me Now'.

From time to time after listing to one of these speakers, I would wonder if I were perhaps taking the long or the wrong road towards secure employment and that comfortable life. After listening to one too many 'drugs to success' stories and in the middle of my second semester in college, I decided to jump ship and follow my own path. After all, I had already earned a Certificate that would enable me to do Office Management and Bookkeeping which are always good skills to have that I could fall back on. I never had enough money to become a drug addict and I didn't much like alcohol so the 'drug addiction to success' route wasn't for me.

I had worked for the Department of Commerce for six months- really, just long enough to be sworn in and decide that I didn't want to do all the traveling, much of it by plane, that the job required. I worked for the City of Georgetown Police Department for a year, then another division of Community Services that wasn't under the Division of Police Services for another year and a half- while going to college in the evenings. I realized that what I was doing as a hobby was making more money than the full time job I had. (now of course, all these years later, I'd give my left arm to have that city job back). If I'd only been a drug addict instead of a protective parent, I'd likely have it too!

Living the Dream and Working Very Hard

I already had a good hobby going and so I leveraged it into a business. I trained and showed Arabian Horses- primarily for my parents but I began taking in some other peoples horses to train and then some riding students (of all ages) which led to a successful career during a period of time in which Arabian Horses sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars. My sideline was buying and fixing up 'fixer upper' houses - One at a time, and living in them several years while fixing them up. The local real estate market rose, then fell, then rose again- all to my advantage long term. (This was back in the days before flipping houses was a popular thing to do - it is rather risky now and not something that I would do in the current market).

Remarriage, Lots of Bedrest and Then No Sleep

I remarried and after 2 months of being sleepy plus 7 months of bedrest and several hospitalizations, twins come home and for the next two years, I didn't get any sleep hardly but we all made it through and precious infants turned into cute toddlers and then into wonderful children!

Some People Just Aren't Good Parents like I Have No Aptitude for Algebra

I could see my husband changing but I didn't know why and I was powerless to stop it. He was irritable, impatient, short tempered, criticized us constantly and not knowing what else to do, I turned to our minister and asked him to come to our home and do some marriage counseling. Our pastor discontinued the sessions after a few weeks since husband didn't participate or attend, after the first one and there wasn't really any use in continuing them.

I was an active and involved parent. Taking the children to children's time at the library, T-Ball, Enrolled them in Head Start (we lived in a rural community) and volunteered at Head Start every chance I could, when I wasn't involved with the renovation and addition to the house.

Looking For Help and Answers

Not the first or the worst trauma that my husband subjected me to was when the twins were toddlers. (I have two older, now grown, children from a previous marriage who were likewise traumatized) Our toddler son was grabbing for 'something' out of the cabinet and husband slapped him across the back leaving my 15 year old stepdaughter and myself stunned. How could anyone do this to a child? There were other incidents over the next few years, one where I called 911 and while I was dialing, husband pulled the phone out of the wall and disconnected the call. When deputies arrived some time later, they questioned us about the 911 call together and I said nothing of course, (911 Responders!: Inquiries should ALWAYS be done individually and confidentially after a disconnected 911 call), but by far the worst up to this point in time (although it didn't leave bruises or break any bones) was when seven year old son spilled his Dad's kool-aide on a wood floor, husband slapped him across the back so hard the slap made a cracking sound and seven year old son was in so much pain it took his breath away and he struggled for breath before piercing the air with his anguished scream. I resolved that never again would anything like this happen. I took a photo of the slap mark, thought about what I was about to do long and hard, then took the photo down to the local sheriffs office (San Saba County, Texas). Chief Deputy Doug Clancy and County Attorney David Williams looked at the photo I had taken this way and that and decided that it wasn't child abuse we were dealing with and wondered aloud what I wanted to to. I told them- I wanted to protect the children from this type of treatment. It was suggested that divorce might be the best option and as it was determined that because I didn't feel we were in immediate danger, (husband was always very nice after one of these physical incidents), we wouldn't be entitled to a restraining order until I had paid the filing fee for it and the divorce together.

By this time I had leased out the horse facility and had an online jewelry business that was in its' infancy. It took a couple of weeks before I could get the money together but I did and went down to the District Attorney's Office and with that payment made, got the ball rolling.

I Went From Children's Advocate to Abuser/Victim With The Serving of the Divorce Papers

So, one evening a week or so later, as I was cooking dinner, a couple of deputies showed up to serve the papers and encouraged husband to go stay elsewhere, which he did. The children and I cowered out behind the barn during this process. I thought that nothing could be worse than the verbal abuse and criticism that we all were subjected to on a daily basis, plus of course the occasional physical abuse (In my opinion) of the children but the next months were a nightmare.

The children and I began counseling.

Husband called a few days later with the statement, "I'll do anything to make things work out" I told him I needed time. I guess what he really meant was that he'd do whatever it took to ruin my and the children's lives because that's what he set out to do and he had some pretty good help along the way.

The first anomaly was when San Saba County had us come to San Saba for a hearing that wasn't going to happen because there wasn't a judge there. While I was sitting in the District Attorney's office talking about the situation (detainment actually), husband went to the house and picked up an old computer that had been given to me. Had the hard drive transcripted and used portions of it at our hearing for the restraining order to present the idea that I was having an affair.

From Victim To Villain

At the hearing for the restraining order, custody, child support, housing and other important issues, there I sat with the truth, good intentions and a picture of a child with a slap mark across his back and husband produced bits of text that I never wrote from a computer and made it look like I was wanting a divorce because I was having an affair. The judge bought it hook, line and sinker and insinuated that I might be the one looking for a place to stay while husband stayed in the house with the children (never mind the fact that the property is solely mine). However, husband was away long hours and unable to care for young children so the judge left primary custody to me and kindly allowed us to remain in our home. The Judge, held the photo of the child with the slap mark across his back, looked at it and said, "It's in the wrong place but ..." and ruled for temporary joint custody, standard visitation.

This was my first introduction, with first hand knowledge, to someone under oath lying in court. My
husband had the audacity to tell the judge that I had never had to work a day in my life (as if I were completely dependent on him and should simply be grateful). I don't know how he thought that the house he was living in was paid for in full. When he moved in he didn't have anything but the clothes on his back, the house was already paid for, and it was a couple of months later before a visit from my father 'inspired' him to begin looking for a JOB! In the mean time, I was the one that was working- aside from the property that I had leased out. Told the judge that he had never been physically violent with the children before, that the slap mark in the photo was the first time. Of course it wasn't the first, nor was it really the worst (there had been bruises in the past), it was simply the time that I did something about it and had proof.

Ironically, as much trouble as I seemed to have had keeping my children safe. I had grown up believing in the law and justice. My great uncle as a Texas Representative wrote the legislation that created the Texas Department of Public Safety, two grandfathers were former judges in Williamson County and a maternal Grandfather had been a state (TX) Senator. In the world that I grew up in (Williamson County), the law always worked to protect the people who needed protecting and punished the guilty. I was considered a hardworking citizen, honorable with my words, and volunteered in public service.

In Harms Way

Shortly after this hearing, it was time for husband to have summer visitation with the children. I was resigned that this was the way it would be and comforted by the assumption that husbands mother and aunt would be helping him care for the children while he was at work or otherwise unavailable.
(I did not know then about the very common right of first refusal that many judges order. Oh how I wish that it had been so in our case) The court documents that I received said that I was 'not' to interfere with his visitation.

I had just watched my oldest son leave for Kosovo. He had been a full time student (studying criminal justice) up at Tarleton and had also been in the Army Reserves. His unit was deployed so his studies were put on hold. I knew that Kosovo was a world away and while it wasn't the best place in the world to be deployed, it certainly wasn't the worst.

Sabotage!

Additionally, my 84 year old mother had- had suffered a stroke while working in her yard and had been bitten by hundreds of fire ants before my father came home from the golf course and found her. I had gone to visit her.. Here is a journal entry from that time:

Written Saturday, July 15, 2000
Wednesday (July 12) I went to Georgetown to see my folks- My mom had been in the hospital and had just gotten out Tues. evening -

Anyway- when I got back home the house was a MESS! The kitchen garbage had been turned over and scattered all over the kitchen floor, the cat litter box had been partially dumped- clean clothes had been pulled of the bed and were all over the floor- the trash in my bedroom had been dumped- clean cups had been taken out of the cabinet and set all over the counter-
In general- the place was a mess.

I knew that dh had done this and as I cleaned up- I found out why- PICTURES! He messed the place up and had been taking pictures- he accidentally left one of his pictures here (of a few clothes he had dropped in the hallway)-
OH- and here is the best part- two piles of what looked like runny dog poo poo on the rug in my bedroom that turned out upon removal to be some kind of bran flakes mixture.

Sooooo- I called the SO to report the incident- and they had some more news for me- dh had been down there trying to report that I've had three boyfriends who have molested my children- they sent him on to CPS to tell his story there-
arghhhhhhhhhhh- he is going to look like such a fool over all this and will lose all credibility in the end- in the meantime though- my seven year old daughter is going to be learning about things- and going to be asked about things that I would NOT have wanted her to know about yet . What a father he is-

Well, I was wrong. He has continued to appear credible through everything. No matter that he did time for assault, changed his name, a child from a previous marriage was found to have been assaulted during his previous divorce- the child was two at the time. He must have had someone on the 'inside' since he called CPS over and over through the years and they came out to investigate each and every time.
(I learned all this about his history through a very thorough background check after he made the allegations against me. I thought I needed to know what I might expect if he is following some kind of pattern. Some of the things I learned were truly terrifying!)

Finally, Someone Helping to Look Out For My Children!

He did call CPS and report that I boyfriends and two caseworkers came to the house to make an inquiry - I do recall that I was told that they were looking out for my children's best interest and I felt confident that they would be my ally and help keep the children safe once I told them everything that I knew. She asked about boyfriends, told me that my daughter had said told someone she had been asaulted and with as little information as I was given, I assumed that husband 'created' the incident just like the house Sabatoge incident. I explained that there were no boyfriends and she tossed out some names of people I had met during the regular course of life- bought a pup from one person that was mentioned, another was a cousin I had met through a geneology search (geneology has been an interest of mine for many years), another name was unknown to me. As the CPS caseworker left the house that day, she told me to let her know if I learned anything more and I made sure that I had her contact information so that I could do that. I had an active investigation ongoing into husbands history and everytime I learned something, I wrote her exactly what I had learned and was careful to give accurate details and contact information. I also emailed David Williams, my attorney, and relayed the information to him as well for my file.
(My next Journal entry was July 29 and the CPS ladies had already been to the house)

Help! I Think the Children Are Being Left With Someone Who May Harm Them!

One particularly alarming thing that I learned was, if I recall correctly, in August of 2000. I learned that the children were being left in the company of a person that was known by husband (they had worked together at one time) to have allegedly assaulted his young children several years previous. Oddly enough, it was husband himself who told me who the children were being left with and reminded me that it was someone he had worked with some years previous who lived near where they worked. I didn't know this man but I did recall what he had told me about him and I was alarmed.
I was alarmed enough that I immediately informed the CPS caseworker who had been to the house and my attorney with the new information, knowing that they would look into the situation and if there was a problem, I knew they would put a stop to husband leaving the children with this man and his girlfriend. My attorney replied back that it was probably best not to bring these things up in court.

I never heard anything from the concerned CPS caseworker or the decision about whether the children were safe with the babysitter that husband had chosen. I imagined that they were too busy checking out his history and previous reports and would immediately take action if it were needed.

After several months, the children didn't like going to the babysitters every other weekend. Even the promise from the babysitter of a guitar and a trampoline failed to motivate them much. Husband had a girlfriend and he would pick the children up, drop them off at babysitters and then spend the weekend with his girlfriend, picking them back up when his visitation time was over - until one weekend in the fall when they spent the weekend with their Dad and girlfriend. That weekend was particularly bad for them. It was so bad that we discussed it quite a bit in counseling the next few sessions.

Time For Action