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Will The Abuser Change?
The short answer? No. Not for more than
a little while at a time. These short periods of being
'nice' are called hoovers. Like the famous sucking vacuum
cleaner. The 'nice' is by design to suck you back into
the relationship.
The basic reasons a person is abusive don't change.
Mental Illness, Neural abnormality, TBI / Frontal lobe
injury. People are not just born mean and then begin
a 'cycle of violence'. Mean people are mean all the
time and usually to everyone. Abusive people cycle and
that points to neurology. People's brains don't change
to any extent their whole lives other than to deteriorate
as we age and abusers generally get worse as their brains
age, not better. So if you're hoping for enlightenment
or an epiphany from an abuser- remember, it's their
brains that likely cause it- not their personality.
(Note: new research in regards to personality disorders
points to 'organic' causes)
There are medications that can help depending
on the disorder(s) that are causing the abusive cycle.
If you're determined that your relationship is going
to work- start out with a lot of cash or a good insurance
policy. Find a really good psychiatrist for the abuser
along with a psychopharmacologist. It's really important
to have both and it is really important that they be
willing to work together.
Plan to stay somewhere else, or have the abuser move
out during the treatment period and plan for anywhere
from 18 months to several years of treatment and adjustment
and titration of meds.
(For a TBI patient, a good neurologist
is needed along with a psychpharmacologist)
While the abuser is going through the diagnosis, treatment
and dosage process. YOU (and children) need to be visiting
with a therapist who understands the damage that emotional,
verbal, physical abuse causes and knows how to treat
it. It's usually best to go through or get a referral
from a domestic violence shelter to find a good therapist.
The things that you may need to work on in therapy are:
PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), self esteem issues
and boundaries.
What about the abuser who doesn't abuse
except when they're drinking or doing drugs? Drinking
and doing drugs are methods of 'self medicating' and
many people with mental illness, neural abnormalities
and even frontal lobe injuries self medicate. Again,
appropriate treatment can help but it is a long term
process and you and any children you may have need to
be in a safe place during this process.
Being in a relationship with an abuser is not healthy
for you and it is not healthy for your children. All
to often, abuse turns deadly.
If
the legal or judicial system failed to protect you or
a family member
from abuse Please Contact:
Amnesty
International & The
United Nations
Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224
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